Dear Ma’am...

A letter of complaint by a homesick lunatic with bad grammar.
(I apologise to American/Alaskan viewers, you probably won't get any jokes)

06 Sravana

Tapori Nagar

Colaba

Mumbai-400005

3 September 2010

Ms. Fucha

01 Sravana

Tapori Nagar

Colaba

Mumbai-400005

Dear Ma’am,

Sub: Letter of complaint

I am informing to you that the flat I am living in is highly unlivable. The rent is too too high for this dumpshit. I am already saying to my wife, there is no way I am paying you for this month’s rent. I am even remembering my amma’s food in Rayavaram and thinking why I am coming to Mumbai from Tamil Nadu? I am feeling like calling Veerappan to kill you, but too bad, Veerappan is already being dead.

Here I am listing all of my complaints, which you read and solve

·         Whenever I am hiding my chocolate under the bed, the ants are eating. And after eating they are roaming all around the house and my wife is beating me

·         The man next door is stinking. Very bad.

·         The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe our children. Little Ramanarayan Krishnaswamey is completely dirty whenever he is hugging me.

·         The police is coming every time I am playing my Tamil pop music in the middle of the night and trying to arrest me. This is very racism type; if I am playing devotional music they are not arresting me because they are thinking I am good man, why every time for pop music they are coming?

·         I know I am not supposed to be saying, but the little kids here are not nice, they are never letting me play hide and seek with them. If they are letting me play, they are hiding so much I am not finding only.And the little boys are always banging their balls against my windows and breaking them.

·         The McDonalds is living too far away.

·         The girls are being very naked on the streets outside.

·         When I am having a bath and turning on the tap, I am getting even more hot. There needs to be a cooler for me atleast.

·         The walls, windows and floors, everything is being broken… you are always sending repairmen but my wife is not being satisfied.

·         50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. 

·         The tap in the kitchen sink is leaking. That is ok, but at night the every drop’s sound is waking me up a lot. That also I am not minding. But when the children are waking up then I cannot sleep only, for the full full nights

·         Everyone in the building is making fun of my accent.

Whenever you are solving all of my problems, only then I am to be paying you for the rent. Otherwise I am to call the spirit of Veerappan to kill you

Lots of Respect and Loving

Ramanathan Sivamalya Jaijaishankaram